Pieces of a Heavy Heart

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...about Haiti, the orphans, my friends who want to bring their babies home and feeling helpless, finances, selling this house, having my mother-in-law possibly move in with us, what school we are going to send Ben to, finding a second job, becoming foster parents, my friends who need to be comforted and wondering if this heavy heart is from God. My heart has been so heavy in the last couple of weeks, even before the earthquake struck Haiti. I don't know what God has in store for us this year, but I guarantee it's not going to be little. I have been asking myself lately if I'm doing enough, if I'm using enough of my abilities to make God proud of me. Last year was pretty laid back and I am thankful for that since the previous 4 years were so emotionally crazy. This year I am ready for something bigger. Something better.

Mark will be busy this year with the release of their new album, "Pieces Of a Real Heart," which I personally believe is truly their best work yet. But a new album release means a lot of touring and time away from home for Mark. That also means I have to get my act together and go into major mommy mode. And yet here I am with a heavy heart for the children of Haiti, the orphans here in Toledo, my mother-in-law who just hasn't been able to get back on her feet 100% since losing her husband of over 25 years, and wondering if I'm doing enough with my own two sons. It's not that I'm sad or going through one of those "mid-life crisis." It's about wanting more than what's in front of me. I'm realizing as I'm getting to be in my mid-30's (YIKES!!!) that I don't want to waste the time God has given me here on earth. I want to glorify Him and make Him proud of me. I want my children to be proud of me and I want them to live their lives for God.

It's funny, before having kids I had this image in my head of what motherhood would be like. It was a beautiful picture in my head: the sun is shining, the grass is green, there is laughter surrounding us, I'm skinny and looking amazing with long flowing hair, we are skipping along a tree-lined road and singing songs about being happy together. Well, the reality of it is...not so much...haha! But I still love being a mommy. I am so proud of my boys and love them so much (even if I am 4 sizes larger and my hair is turning gray). I can't imagine how anyone could love them more than me, but in my heart I know that God loves them beyond anything I could ever imagine. So as a mother who loves my boys, how can I not want them to follow God, who loves them more than I do? How could I not want what is best for them, which is a life filled with the many joys that only God can give? Of course that is what I want for them! Which brings me back to my heavy heart and wanting to do more. I think Mark and I took our first steps today just by talking about all of the things I mentioned earlier. Next is to pray about them all, and truly give them to God and listen for His answers. Today I am beyond ready to say yes to whatever God has coming our way. And I must say, that is a very scary thing! (But in a good way, of course!)