Dear Tricia...

To My Dear Friend Tricia,

I have been thinking about you all week. It's been one week exactly since I found out about your sudden passing. I'm not really sure where to start...

I saw pictures of your perfect little son, Charlie. He looks a lot like you, and a lot like your husband Kevin. He has so much hair and has a sweetness about him. It seems so unfair that it has to be this way. There are moments in life when I have to ask God, "Why? I just don't understand this." And this one just doesn't make any sense to me. It was just a week before you were going to be induced that we had "talked" through facebook. I asked you if you had your baby yet, and you replied saying not yet but soon and that you and Kevin were enjoying your last moments together before becoming 3. It wasn't long before this that you shared with me the happy news that you were expecting and how excited you were about being a mom. I said a road trip to Chicago would be in the making to meet your little one. 
It has been years since we have seen each other. But you were one of those friends. You know, the one where it could be years since seeing each other but once we are together it's like we were never apart. We became really close friends the summer I was getting ready to go to college and you were starting your senior year in high school. We shared a love for music, reading magazines, drinking coffee, shopping at the same stores, eating the same foods, watching episodes of friends and talking about Ross and Rachel...I still went to church at KPCMD during my college years so we still got to see each other often and even sing a few duets at church during offertory time. I think our first duet together was "Power of Your Love" but I'm not 100% sure. We also sang "You Are Wonderful" and "In Moments Like Theses." I was always so nervous about singing in front of people but you were so comfortable and had a way of making me feel at ease. You were the better singer but never made me feel that way. In fact, you should have always sung the melody but I could not find the harmony for the life of me. So, I ended up singing all the melodies while you harmonized. I am still horrible at finding the harmony. I've gotten a little better, but it takes me a while. You never once complained. 



I remember when you were diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome. I didn't really understand what it was or what it meant for you. I knew it had to do with the kidneys and that you had to be on a special medicine for it. I remember how you struggled with the side affects of the pills. But you were so strong and still such a beautiful person. I loved that about you. You hated taking pictures during this time, and understandably. This is the time when you and I were hanging out all the time- movies, shopping, eating, etc... You became my best friend during these times. I don't know how you were able to put up with all my stupid crushes and relationships. But you stuck by me, lend me your ear, and gave me advice I wish I would have followed. Even during my stupidity, you still loved me through it all. 


I remember when you went to Hope College and how excited you were to start this new chapter in your life. I missed you when you left. I had a new life too, but I always missed you.  I remember visiting you there and meeting some of your new friends. I admit, I was a little jealous :). And then a group of us went to see your recital and you just blew all of us away. You were no longer the pretty face with a pretty voice, but you became a beautiful woman with a voice full of heart and beauty. I was so proud of you. I'll never forget that gorgeous blue gown that you wore. You had 2 other gowns that evening but the blue one was my favorite. 


After your freshman year of college and my sophomore year, we were reunited again in the summer. We were together any chance we could get. We would hang out with different groups of people, but we were always together no matter which group we hung out with. Whether it was with Hak-Chul and his friends, YAG, friends in Ann Arbor, or whoever, we were there together. And we did this the following summer too...


It was just a couple of years later that I made the decision to move to Toledo, Oh. You know the many different reasons I  chose to move here. Probably not the best reasons to make the move, but it ended up being a very God thing to do for me. After I moved here, you and I just lost touch with one another. I know you moved on to U of M to continue your studies in music. I made a new life here and focused on getting my life together by building a better relationship with God. At one point we met up and you told me about Kevin...this wonderful guy you met who you felt was going to be the one. I was so excited for you. You told me how well he treats you, how many similarities you both had and that he lived in Chicago. I couldn't wait to meet this guy who had swept you off your feet! And then we lost touch...again. 


So, a couple of years went by and I got engaged to my husband Mark. I knew I had to find you and invite you to the wedding. Part of me struggled with sending you the invitation because it was a no brainer back then that we would be in each other's weddings. We used to sit and read through bridal magazines together, comparing the dresses and bridesmaid dresses while drinking frappaccino's (your's with extra ice and mine with less ice). When I saw you at my wedding I was so happy. And finally, I got to meet your Kevin. We joked saying "you do exist!" I wish I could have spent more time with you both then. I didn't realize that that would be the last time I would ever see you again. That was 8 years ago...


It wasn't until 2007 when I joined facebook that we were once again connected. Finally, I found my dear friend Tricia. And what's this?!?! You're married?!?! UUUGGGHHH!!! I couldn't believe I missed your wedding day. You had said how you tried to find me so many times from so many different people and no one knew where I was. I feel so awful about that. I should have tried harder to stay in touch. I looked through your wedding pictures and just teared up. The one of your dad walking you down the aisle made me cry. You were a beautiful bride. And you looked so incredibly happy. 


By then I had my first son Benjamin who was about to turn 2 and I was pregnant with my second son, Nathaniel. Talk about surprises! In the 4 years we were absent from one another you had gotten married, traveled various places living out your dream as a performing opera singer and I became a stay at home mom with a husband who travels as a drummer in a Christian band for a living. Wow. We did pretty good for a while there on facebook keeping in touch, commenting on pictures and whatnot. 


When I found out I was pregnant with my third and that it was yet another boy, you had shared with me the news of your pregnancy. I can't tell you how excited I was that we were going to have babies in the same year! Just a few months apart from each other. I mentioned a road trip to Chicago this fall...


On August 4th I went to your facebook page for any updates and saw your check-in at the hospital. On August 6th I went back to your facebook page to see if you had posted a picture of the little one. There was no picture, but many words from friends of yours. I just stared at the words trying to make sense of what they were all saying. It didn't make any sense to me. I read them all, one by one, trying to understand what they all meant. I started to panic and pray. I contacted a few different people asking if they knew what the heck was going on and/or happened. When the news came I just broke down. How could this happen to my very treasured friend...


It has been exactly two weeks since I found out about your passing. I have thought about you daily. I have tried to make sense of this and I just can't. I think about your husband and your son. I think about your parents and your siblings. I find myself being sad over and over again by your death. But I know that's not what you would want...


You lived your life with joy, laughter, trust, strength, honesty, purity, and even goofiness. These are the characteristics I know your son will have as he grows older. I will make you a promise that I will remember your husband and son in my prayers. I will pray that they will seek God on a daily basis, that God will just show up when they need Him, and that His love will be felt in every moment of every day. I can't imagine how hard it must be to know God's love when something like this can happen. But faith and trust tells me that God's love is more reachable than ever, especially during moments like these. 


Tricia, I will miss you dearly. Even if it's been 8 years since we have last seen one another, I always considered you a very close, dear friend. Thank you for being a friend that I needed for so many years. I love you. Until we meet again...


love,
Susan

"Can We Talk For A Little?"

Wow. I was told that once we had children of our own time would just fly by. How fast I had no idea. But today I am realizing that the last 5 and a half years have flown by quicker than I had thought they would, or had wanted them to. 

Today, Ben started his life long journey of school. Today, Ben started kindergarten.

I am not doing so well. Last night I lost it and started balling while packing his backpack and thinking about his lunch for the next day. It didn't help that his preschool picture was hanging on our fridge, staring at me with those oh so cute cheeks, innocent smile, and loving eyes. UGH! 

This morning at 6:45, Ben came into our bedroom and woke me up. He looked at me wide eyed and said, "Mommy? Can we talk for a little?" I said, "Sure honey." 

So, we headed downstairs, sat on the couch and these were his questions to me:

- What am I going to do at kindergarten?

- Is it all day? Like when are you going to pick me up?

- Why is daddy going to be there at my lunch? (Mark volunteered during lunch time to help the other kindergarten teachers get the kids situated since this is so new for all the kids).

- Can you talk to me more about kindergarten?

- What's my locker?

- Are there going to be centers like art and food like at my preschool?

I answered each question the best I could. I asked him if he was scared and he said "yeah, but don't tell my teacher." I promised I wouldn't :) I told him that I remembered when I started kindergarten how I was nervous and scared but once I started making some friends I couldn't wait to go! I told him that Daddy was really shy when he was little and was scared about going to school too. But then he also met some friends and he loved his teacher so after no time Daddy loved kindergarten too. This seemed to make Ben feel better.

So, I made Ben his favorite breakfast (pancakes with a little extra butter...mmmmmm...butterrrrrr....) and poured him a glass of milk. Then I made him his lunch and packed his lunchbox and put a special note in there. Mark came home from volunteering and told me that Ben's teacher Mr.Rethman helped Ben read the note and told Mark that he was happy to see that moms still do that. I thought every mom did that still! I remember my sisters leaving me random notes in my lunches and how special it made me feel :) They were the best!

I can't wait to pick Ben up from school and hear all about his great day. Mark said that Ben looked like he was having a blast and didn't even ask to come home with him. That made me feel so relieved! I was so worried about my little guy. 

God is so good. I love how He orchestrated this from the start. I love that we sold our house in Toledo just in time to start a new chapter in our lives in Sylvania. I love that Ben loves his school. I love our new house and this neighborhood. I am so very thankful. 

And I miss my Ben.

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

So...usually I like to write about things that I feel God has put on my heart or things that make me proud enough to want to share it. Well, today I'm going to do the opposite-I'm going to unleash the beast, the beast that I call 'the mommy beast.' The beast escaped yesterday and I admit she is not a pretty thing. My kids were driving me crazy, I couldn't keep the house in order, they were being wild and whiny, and I just had to get out of the house. So, I gathered the boys, placed them in the mini van, and tried to decide where to take them. I sat there wondering where to go. Ben then says he really really really wants to go to Burger King because they have new Marmaduke toys there. Not what I had in mind but sure, why not. So, we drove down the street to Burger King and sure enough the guy behind the counter messed up our order. 2 kids meals with chicken tenders should not be that difficult to place. But, whatever. I smiled, corrected his mistake (which he did not appreciate), and then we sat down. Once we sit I realize we don't have any straws, napkins or ketchup. I get up and get the straws, napkins and ketchup. I sit back down. Ben says "where's my ranch?" The guy forgot to give us ranch. I get back up, go to the counter where the guy is helping someone else. I wait patiently, feeling the beast about to unleash herself. I wait. I look over at the kids who are laughing about something. I wait. Finally he looks over at me and says "You need something?" I told him we were missing our ranch. He basically threw them across the counter towards me. Jerk. I walk back to the table and give the boys their ranch. Finally, I get to start eating. Uh, nope. Nate just spilled his chocolate milk all over the table and floor. I get back up, grab a crap load of napkins and clean up the mess. I wanted to cry. The spilt milk almost made me cry. Whoever wrote the saying "don't cry over spilt milk" must have been a mom talking to herself. Once the mess is cleaned up, I finally take my first bite of my value meal. By that time the boys are almost done eating and they are getting restless. I ate half of my dinner and gather the boys and head back to the mini van. On the way to the van Nate stops in his tracks and starts to take his shoes off. What the heck? I say to him, "Come on Nate, let's go home!" He says, "No! No! Nooooo! Boo boo!" I walk over to him and look at his feet which are fine. I put his shoe back on and carry him to the van. We drive home. On the way home the boys are fighting about something (I didn't quite catch onto what they were fighting about) and I just lost it. The beast came out. I started yelling. I told them to stop fighting and be quiet. My yelling scared Nate so bad he started crying. The kind of crying that takes his breath away and then proceeds with a loud ear piercing screech. Ugh. He cried all the way home. The 5 minute drive felt like 30, at least. We get home and Nate is refusing to get out of the van. I pick him up and carry him to the house while he is kicking and screaming. We get inside and I put him down where he threw a temper tantrum only a 2 year old can do (which I secretly wish I could get away with doing at times). After about 10 minutes he finally stops, finds me and Ben, and crawls in my lap to cuddle. That's when I took a deep breath, soaked in the moment, and hugged him tight. Once he felt safe again he crawled down from my lap to play with Ben.
I hate the beast. The kids hate the beast. Mark hates the beast. I'm sure God isn't proud of me when I become the beast. There are just days when the beast comes out. I hope I don't see the beast again for a very long time. Or at least hope that the beast will be a little more tame next month ;)

My Sun and My Moon

I was watching my boys play today. They amaze me. They could not be any more different and I love that about them. I mean, I really really really love that about them. 

Ben is my sweetheart, my calm, my smile, my no veggies eater, loves bread and noodles, he can eat a bag of chocolates without getting sick, the one who doesn't like to disappoint anyone, thoughtful, insightful, the one who loves to hold my hand, likes to make me proud, wants to be an apartment builder when he grows up, so smart, has always been in the 75th percentile for both weight and height, looks just like Mark, has my hair and my brown eyes, have I mentioned how sweet he is? He is so so so sweet. I look at my Ben and my heart just melts with love and sweetness. 

Nate...he is my non-stop laugh machine, makes funny noises, loves popsicles and candy, his preference of food is meat and anything packed full of flavor, he is not a morning guy, he is my funny stinker, loves tormenting Ben, picks up on things quickly, looks just like me, has Mark's blonde hair and blue eyes, he is only in the 10th percentile for his weight and 50th for his height (what a peanut!), he sucks on his forefinger and middle finger while sniffing his stuffed puppy's ear when he is tired and ready to nap, which makes me laugh because he is such a little weirdo! When I look at Nate my heart laughs and melts with joy and wonder. I love that little guy.

They are my sun and my moon. I cannot be a mother without either of them. They both bring out different things in me that make me so very grateful to God. It's so amazing how Mark and I can possibly have two boys who look and behave so differently! After Ben was born I was convinced all our kids would look like Ben...handsome, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, slight rosy cheeks, etc... but when Nate came out and I saw him for the first time I was just stunned. "Is that blonde hair?!?!" I must admit I thought he was one funky little sweet freak. Haha!! Now that Nate is 2, I'm seeing more clearly how different his personality is from Ben's. How is that possible?!?! They are both a result of me and Mark so how can they be so different? It's a mystery to me, but there's really nothing to solve. In the end they are my wonderful boys and I wouldn't change a thing about either of them. 

Another "Mom-ent"

I recently saw an episode of the new show "Parenthood" and was intrigued. One couple in particular had struggles that I think a lot of us "married with kids folk" go through. 

He has stresses from a job.

She has stresses from home life.

He wants to find himself after losing himself to his career.

She misses her career but finds herself doting on her children.

They are losing themselves in one another.

The space between them is getting wider and wider.

And so goes life.

One scene from the actual movie has stuck with me for a while...it's when Steve Martin and his movie bride find out they are having another baby. They argue and in the midst of the argument, Steve Martin yells, "MY WHOLE LIFE IS 'HAVE TO'!!!!" 

I must be honest and say that Mark and I have gone through this exact scenario. Mark will spend weeks at a time being on the road, talking to an endless crowd of people, sleeping in a bunk with the loud motor of a bus beneath him, being told where to go, and hardly finding the time to just breathe on his own. When he comes home, he finds that I have been stressed with the duties of motherhood- wake up, make breakfast, get boys dressed and cleaned up, hurry them into the van, head to work, feed them lunch, take Ben to school, give Nate a nap, pick Ben up, think about dinner, make dinner, clean boys up, get them ready for bed, tuck them in, then do it all again the next day (and maybe find the time to do all the chores as well like laundry, vacuum, dust, clean, pick up toys, clean house for potential buyers, dishes, disinfect bathroom and kitchen, etc...). So, add Mark's load to my load and what do you get? One very tired couple wanting attention and sympathy from the other. 

Mark is amazing though. As soon as he walks through the door he gets right in and spends time with the boys. If he sees that I'm cleaning, he will help. I shouldn't complain, but I find myself complaining often. My poor hubby. 

I catch myself saying things like, "I need a break from being a housekeeper" or "I need to get away from the kids!!!"

I wonder why that is. I realized while watching "Parenthood" we get so caught up in society's way of thinking- that having kids means losing yourself. In some ways it's true. Having a child changes everything in your life. Your focus becomes your child. My much needed cup of coffee in the morning gets pushed aside for my child's much more needed bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. My lunch with friends gets pushed aside because it's hard to find a sitter in the middle of the day. The extra money we earned this month can no longer be spent on a new pair of jeans or shoes for me, but it will be spent making sure my children are well provided for.

Oh, but what a gift!! To be able to shift my priorities from myself to my family is such a blessing. God chose me to be the wife and mother in this home. That's one job I can't take for granted or slack upon. It's okay to feel overwhelmed at times, and it's okay to need some time for myself. I couldn't function without those moments! I'm sure every wife and mother out there can relate. But, I do need to let go of what society tells me, and let God lead me. I need to be a joyful mom and be a happy wife because God has truly blessed me with them. I need to embrace this place that I am in and enjoy every single moment I have with my boys. They are growing up way too fast. I also need to put down my dish rag and give Mark more hugs. My hubby loves being hugged and I need to make that a priority. I need to tell him more often how proud I am of him and that his hard work doesn't go unnoticed.

Lord, help me to be a better wife and mother. Help me to embrace where You have placed me. Use me and show me how to love You by loving my family better. Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband and boys. In the moments when I'm feeling overwhelmed, help me to just relax and take a moment to say hi to you. Help me to replace my "have to's" with joys. You are my strength and my refuge. Thank you!  I love you :)

The Making Of...

Ben is my little theologian. He has once again sparked a new conversation with me tonight about God. He is five years old and is so curious about the mysteries of God. Tonight as we were driving home from a friend's house, he was pretty quiet in the back seat (which is very out of the ordinary for him). I could tell he was thinking about something, but I didn't want to interrupt the rare silence that I enjoy (a little too much at times). When he finally broke the silence, he asked me, "Mommy, how did God make himself?" I responded by saying, "Well, He's GOD! He didn't have to make himself, He just always existed." Ben responded, "...but how?" I responded, "I don't know honey. God has just always been here." Of course, that sparked my curiosity as well. We live in a world that relies heavily on the timing of things. We mark our calendars with upcoming events, we record births, we have clocks that tell us what time to eat, sleep, work, play, etc...we count the days of our lives. So, the thought of the beginning of God, which is infinite, is hard to grasp, isn't it? I myself just can't comprehend it.

This brought me to the realization that God really really really loves us. He has been here since the beginning, He created everything in and out of sight and He remains the same. He doesn't give up on loving us. Think about it...God has been here since forever ago, which is more than generations and generations and years and years and years and He STILL remains the same ALL DAY LONG because He loves us.

As a parent, I try really hard to show my boys the love of God. We pray every night before going to bed. We sing praises before we say goodnight. I try to teach them what God has taught me, but then there are times like tonight when my children will teach me about God or spark my curiosity about His mysterious ways. I love that. I love learning from my children. I love that God uses them to help me understand Him more intimately.

So, in a nutshell...
-Ben asks me how God made himself
-I answer Ben by saying God just always existed
-I start thinking about what that really means, which blows my mind away
-I realize God must really love me if He's willing to be around for that long and stick around
-I gained new insight today from my 5 year old son

I hope Ben continues to ask questions, that his curiosity for the Lord will be never-ending. I hope he knows how much God loves him as he grows up and finds answers for himself. I hope Nate will do the same. Right now he just wants to know what things are... "Mama? Wa 'dis?" Both my boys are such curious little guys. I love it. I don't want this to ever end...

And that's the making of this mother. Thank you Lord :)

Good-bye Sweetie...

I hate diets. I have never been one to stick to any particular way of losing weight. My weakness for carbs and sweets always gets the better of me. And here I go again, motivated to do something about the 28 pounds I have gained, two kids and one husband later. That's right, a whole freak'n 28 pounds! 

Mark did give me a great motivator yesterday-he said if I can lose 20 pounds he will buy me a new dress from Anthropology. I love looking through their catalogs. I imagine myself in a pretty dress with pretty hair. I do not own anything from that place because they are so expensive! 

Losing weight isn't just about looking great, but it's about feeling good about my body and being healthy. I want to set a good example for my boys and teach them that taking care of their bodies is important. This is the body God gave us, and we should honor that and take good care of it. In 1Corinthians 6:19 it says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." Wow. I know that the verses leading to this passage Paul speaks of sexual immorality and therefore we are to honor our bodies by avoiding all things sexually immoral. However, I think this verse speaks volumes in all aspects of our bodies. We need to protect our minds (thoughts), our hearts, and take care of what God has given us. If I fill my body with unhealthy things, is that honoring God with what He has given me? Gosh, this is so hard. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about the oreos in my pantry. 

This will definitely be harder than I thought. 

It's a good thing I work at the YMCA where I meet many other moms like myself. There they are, working out, taking care of themselves, and setting wonderful examples to their children. 

Of course, I do teach a cooking class for kids where we make all sorts of goodies. Yikes. 

But...I CAN DO THIS!!! 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, no matter what it may be. Even if it's finding the will power to lose a few pounds, because my body is important to me and it's important to God.