Dear Tricia...

To My Dear Friend Tricia,

I have been thinking about you all week. It's been one week exactly since I found out about your sudden passing. I'm not really sure where to start...

I saw pictures of your perfect little son, Charlie. He looks a lot like you, and a lot like your husband Kevin. He has so much hair and has a sweetness about him. It seems so unfair that it has to be this way. There are moments in life when I have to ask God, "Why? I just don't understand this." And this one just doesn't make any sense to me. It was just a week before you were going to be induced that we had "talked" through facebook. I asked you if you had your baby yet, and you replied saying not yet but soon and that you and Kevin were enjoying your last moments together before becoming 3. It wasn't long before this that you shared with me the happy news that you were expecting and how excited you were about being a mom. I said a road trip to Chicago would be in the making to meet your little one. 
It has been years since we have seen each other. But you were one of those friends. You know, the one where it could be years since seeing each other but once we are together it's like we were never apart. We became really close friends the summer I was getting ready to go to college and you were starting your senior year in high school. We shared a love for music, reading magazines, drinking coffee, shopping at the same stores, eating the same foods, watching episodes of friends and talking about Ross and Rachel...I still went to church at KPCMD during my college years so we still got to see each other often and even sing a few duets at church during offertory time. I think our first duet together was "Power of Your Love" but I'm not 100% sure. We also sang "You Are Wonderful" and "In Moments Like Theses." I was always so nervous about singing in front of people but you were so comfortable and had a way of making me feel at ease. You were the better singer but never made me feel that way. In fact, you should have always sung the melody but I could not find the harmony for the life of me. So, I ended up singing all the melodies while you harmonized. I am still horrible at finding the harmony. I've gotten a little better, but it takes me a while. You never once complained. 



I remember when you were diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome. I didn't really understand what it was or what it meant for you. I knew it had to do with the kidneys and that you had to be on a special medicine for it. I remember how you struggled with the side affects of the pills. But you were so strong and still such a beautiful person. I loved that about you. You hated taking pictures during this time, and understandably. This is the time when you and I were hanging out all the time- movies, shopping, eating, etc... You became my best friend during these times. I don't know how you were able to put up with all my stupid crushes and relationships. But you stuck by me, lend me your ear, and gave me advice I wish I would have followed. Even during my stupidity, you still loved me through it all. 


I remember when you went to Hope College and how excited you were to start this new chapter in your life. I missed you when you left. I had a new life too, but I always missed you.  I remember visiting you there and meeting some of your new friends. I admit, I was a little jealous :). And then a group of us went to see your recital and you just blew all of us away. You were no longer the pretty face with a pretty voice, but you became a beautiful woman with a voice full of heart and beauty. I was so proud of you. I'll never forget that gorgeous blue gown that you wore. You had 2 other gowns that evening but the blue one was my favorite. 


After your freshman year of college and my sophomore year, we were reunited again in the summer. We were together any chance we could get. We would hang out with different groups of people, but we were always together no matter which group we hung out with. Whether it was with Hak-Chul and his friends, YAG, friends in Ann Arbor, or whoever, we were there together. And we did this the following summer too...


It was just a couple of years later that I made the decision to move to Toledo, Oh. You know the many different reasons I  chose to move here. Probably not the best reasons to make the move, but it ended up being a very God thing to do for me. After I moved here, you and I just lost touch with one another. I know you moved on to U of M to continue your studies in music. I made a new life here and focused on getting my life together by building a better relationship with God. At one point we met up and you told me about Kevin...this wonderful guy you met who you felt was going to be the one. I was so excited for you. You told me how well he treats you, how many similarities you both had and that he lived in Chicago. I couldn't wait to meet this guy who had swept you off your feet! And then we lost touch...again. 


So, a couple of years went by and I got engaged to my husband Mark. I knew I had to find you and invite you to the wedding. Part of me struggled with sending you the invitation because it was a no brainer back then that we would be in each other's weddings. We used to sit and read through bridal magazines together, comparing the dresses and bridesmaid dresses while drinking frappaccino's (your's with extra ice and mine with less ice). When I saw you at my wedding I was so happy. And finally, I got to meet your Kevin. We joked saying "you do exist!" I wish I could have spent more time with you both then. I didn't realize that that would be the last time I would ever see you again. That was 8 years ago...


It wasn't until 2007 when I joined facebook that we were once again connected. Finally, I found my dear friend Tricia. And what's this?!?! You're married?!?! UUUGGGHHH!!! I couldn't believe I missed your wedding day. You had said how you tried to find me so many times from so many different people and no one knew where I was. I feel so awful about that. I should have tried harder to stay in touch. I looked through your wedding pictures and just teared up. The one of your dad walking you down the aisle made me cry. You were a beautiful bride. And you looked so incredibly happy. 


By then I had my first son Benjamin who was about to turn 2 and I was pregnant with my second son, Nathaniel. Talk about surprises! In the 4 years we were absent from one another you had gotten married, traveled various places living out your dream as a performing opera singer and I became a stay at home mom with a husband who travels as a drummer in a Christian band for a living. Wow. We did pretty good for a while there on facebook keeping in touch, commenting on pictures and whatnot. 


When I found out I was pregnant with my third and that it was yet another boy, you had shared with me the news of your pregnancy. I can't tell you how excited I was that we were going to have babies in the same year! Just a few months apart from each other. I mentioned a road trip to Chicago this fall...


On August 4th I went to your facebook page for any updates and saw your check-in at the hospital. On August 6th I went back to your facebook page to see if you had posted a picture of the little one. There was no picture, but many words from friends of yours. I just stared at the words trying to make sense of what they were all saying. It didn't make any sense to me. I read them all, one by one, trying to understand what they all meant. I started to panic and pray. I contacted a few different people asking if they knew what the heck was going on and/or happened. When the news came I just broke down. How could this happen to my very treasured friend...


It has been exactly two weeks since I found out about your passing. I have thought about you daily. I have tried to make sense of this and I just can't. I think about your husband and your son. I think about your parents and your siblings. I find myself being sad over and over again by your death. But I know that's not what you would want...


You lived your life with joy, laughter, trust, strength, honesty, purity, and even goofiness. These are the characteristics I know your son will have as he grows older. I will make you a promise that I will remember your husband and son in my prayers. I will pray that they will seek God on a daily basis, that God will just show up when they need Him, and that His love will be felt in every moment of every day. I can't imagine how hard it must be to know God's love when something like this can happen. But faith and trust tells me that God's love is more reachable than ever, especially during moments like these. 


Tricia, I will miss you dearly. Even if it's been 8 years since we have last seen one another, I always considered you a very close, dear friend. Thank you for being a friend that I needed for so many years. I love you. Until we meet again...


love,
Susan