My Sun and My Moon

I was watching my boys play today. They amaze me. They could not be any more different and I love that about them. I mean, I really really really love that about them. 

Ben is my sweetheart, my calm, my smile, my no veggies eater, loves bread and noodles, he can eat a bag of chocolates without getting sick, the one who doesn't like to disappoint anyone, thoughtful, insightful, the one who loves to hold my hand, likes to make me proud, wants to be an apartment builder when he grows up, so smart, has always been in the 75th percentile for both weight and height, looks just like Mark, has my hair and my brown eyes, have I mentioned how sweet he is? He is so so so sweet. I look at my Ben and my heart just melts with love and sweetness. 

Nate...he is my non-stop laugh machine, makes funny noises, loves popsicles and candy, his preference of food is meat and anything packed full of flavor, he is not a morning guy, he is my funny stinker, loves tormenting Ben, picks up on things quickly, looks just like me, has Mark's blonde hair and blue eyes, he is only in the 10th percentile for his weight and 50th for his height (what a peanut!), he sucks on his forefinger and middle finger while sniffing his stuffed puppy's ear when he is tired and ready to nap, which makes me laugh because he is such a little weirdo! When I look at Nate my heart laughs and melts with joy and wonder. I love that little guy.

They are my sun and my moon. I cannot be a mother without either of them. They both bring out different things in me that make me so very grateful to God. It's so amazing how Mark and I can possibly have two boys who look and behave so differently! After Ben was born I was convinced all our kids would look like Ben...handsome, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, slight rosy cheeks, etc... but when Nate came out and I saw him for the first time I was just stunned. "Is that blonde hair?!?!" I must admit I thought he was one funky little sweet freak. Haha!! Now that Nate is 2, I'm seeing more clearly how different his personality is from Ben's. How is that possible?!?! They are both a result of me and Mark so how can they be so different? It's a mystery to me, but there's really nothing to solve. In the end they are my wonderful boys and I wouldn't change a thing about either of them. 

Another "Mom-ent"

I recently saw an episode of the new show "Parenthood" and was intrigued. One couple in particular had struggles that I think a lot of us "married with kids folk" go through. 

He has stresses from a job.

She has stresses from home life.

He wants to find himself after losing himself to his career.

She misses her career but finds herself doting on her children.

They are losing themselves in one another.

The space between them is getting wider and wider.

And so goes life.

One scene from the actual movie has stuck with me for a while...it's when Steve Martin and his movie bride find out they are having another baby. They argue and in the midst of the argument, Steve Martin yells, "MY WHOLE LIFE IS 'HAVE TO'!!!!" 

I must be honest and say that Mark and I have gone through this exact scenario. Mark will spend weeks at a time being on the road, talking to an endless crowd of people, sleeping in a bunk with the loud motor of a bus beneath him, being told where to go, and hardly finding the time to just breathe on his own. When he comes home, he finds that I have been stressed with the duties of motherhood- wake up, make breakfast, get boys dressed and cleaned up, hurry them into the van, head to work, feed them lunch, take Ben to school, give Nate a nap, pick Ben up, think about dinner, make dinner, clean boys up, get them ready for bed, tuck them in, then do it all again the next day (and maybe find the time to do all the chores as well like laundry, vacuum, dust, clean, pick up toys, clean house for potential buyers, dishes, disinfect bathroom and kitchen, etc...). So, add Mark's load to my load and what do you get? One very tired couple wanting attention and sympathy from the other. 

Mark is amazing though. As soon as he walks through the door he gets right in and spends time with the boys. If he sees that I'm cleaning, he will help. I shouldn't complain, but I find myself complaining often. My poor hubby. 

I catch myself saying things like, "I need a break from being a housekeeper" or "I need to get away from the kids!!!"

I wonder why that is. I realized while watching "Parenthood" we get so caught up in society's way of thinking- that having kids means losing yourself. In some ways it's true. Having a child changes everything in your life. Your focus becomes your child. My much needed cup of coffee in the morning gets pushed aside for my child's much more needed bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. My lunch with friends gets pushed aside because it's hard to find a sitter in the middle of the day. The extra money we earned this month can no longer be spent on a new pair of jeans or shoes for me, but it will be spent making sure my children are well provided for.

Oh, but what a gift!! To be able to shift my priorities from myself to my family is such a blessing. God chose me to be the wife and mother in this home. That's one job I can't take for granted or slack upon. It's okay to feel overwhelmed at times, and it's okay to need some time for myself. I couldn't function without those moments! I'm sure every wife and mother out there can relate. But, I do need to let go of what society tells me, and let God lead me. I need to be a joyful mom and be a happy wife because God has truly blessed me with them. I need to embrace this place that I am in and enjoy every single moment I have with my boys. They are growing up way too fast. I also need to put down my dish rag and give Mark more hugs. My hubby loves being hugged and I need to make that a priority. I need to tell him more often how proud I am of him and that his hard work doesn't go unnoticed.

Lord, help me to be a better wife and mother. Help me to embrace where You have placed me. Use me and show me how to love You by loving my family better. Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband and boys. In the moments when I'm feeling overwhelmed, help me to just relax and take a moment to say hi to you. Help me to replace my "have to's" with joys. You are my strength and my refuge. Thank you!  I love you :)